while some days I am so strong, other days I do not know who I am anymore. So much of what I thought was certain about myself seems to have changed. My profession and my beliefs led me to value the psychological , and here I am a victim of simple biological processes. I am feeling a little lost.
Day to day life goes on. Buying school uniform, new shoes, football club drops offs need to be done. My kids friends come to tea. My friends get married. Children ground you in an amazing way, but man can family life test you… Trying to ‘juggle’ has taken on a new meaning and I am beginning to wonder how I will ever manage to get back to work and manage all this. And them. Something that’s a difficult thought when you have spent a decade studying and qualifying, and then almost another decade pursuing that career. A career that focussed on helping others. The futility is, at times, striking.
Dedicating time to my new study – understanding MS and finding ways to overcome it has been helpful. I am hugely encouraged by George Jelinek’s work at www.overcomingmultiplesclerosis.org and his best selling book. A highly accredited and distinguised medic, researcher and MS survivor he offers hope where mainstream medicine gives little. I am familiar in my professional life with drug companies often questionable motives and find it little wonder that there is little interest in the good evidence for changes in diet and supplements of fish oils, omega 3 and vitamin D3… not much money in these natural substances maybe?
At other times, in these early days, just the fact that support and hope can only be found across the internet and through a faceless forum of people I have never, and am never likely to meet is bitter sweet. A reminder that some good friends have failed to reply to my last email confirming my MS diagnosis. To feel truly alone is to face something like this. That is not to deny the support from some hugely important people who will never truly know how much it has meant.
So it looks like ages 36+ for me will provide me with challenges anew. I feel as if I’m shedding a skin but have not grown my new one. One thing i know is my most important job is being Mum. So i need to find a way to be (the new) me.